Silent Screams

December is usually a time of reunions. And how i wish i could be with these people i miss the most…
family
kuya mandy and his family - they have been in the states for three years now but it feels like they have gone for like 10 years…huhuhu…my nieces and my favorite nephew (the one and only eh!) would probably be taller than me by now…well, except for Nathan who just turned 6…

friends
ena, my best friend in spcp
my third year high school barkada..mga fans ng Anointed of Mary seminarians sa Antipolo
rakki, astig friend in college who is now using the name "anna"
donna, barkada namin ni "anna"
Opto clinic co-workers…from receptionists to doctors and well, not all managers..hehehe

relatives
 lola lucing…the only lola who took care of me as a child

Despite a
tight budget, I opted to watch two movies in the cinema with my sister, Jemi
and one of my best friends, Liza. Thus, I had a movie marathon on October 29,
2007. Not because I had nothing better to do but I felt I needed a different
kind of relaxation – one that couldn’t really be equated with just saving money
for the rainy days. The first movie has been running for a couple of weeks now
and I just can’t let it pass after hearing good feedback about it from the
people I am most often with – my class three children. While the second one’s
trailer I got to see from my worst companion (the TV!) and found it interesting
enough to give it a try.

As a great
fan for anything magical in nature, I had a grand time watching Stardust.
The movie, filled with love and enchantment moved me into a hopeful and merry
mood. Adapted from Neil Gaiman’s novel of the same title, the story revolved
around how 18-year-old Tristran Thorn journeyed into Faerie land to fulfill the
deepest desire of his heart. The major twist however was that he discovered
something else in an adventure he never expected.

Game Plan, on
the other hand, was more about selflessness, acceptance and perseverance than
playing football. Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson (my new crush, next to Vin Diesel!) starred in this film. A
self-centered football star who thought he had everything going well until an
anonymous 8-year-old girl knocked on his posh condo unit and claimed to be his
daughter. Joe Kingman (played by Johnson) being a sort of new parent had to
come up with a game plan to fit his new life with his daughter, Peyton. From
that moment on everything had to change and revolve around the charming little
girl – from his bulldog Spike to his hot sports car.

In the latter
film, Peyton was filling up a scrapbook with things about her father. Being
fatherless for eight years, she was getting to know what Joe is like as a
person. One of the questions she asked her father was about the most important
thing that ever happened to him. But each time she did this, he wouldn’t be
able to give her an answer.

In both
movies, it was clearly shown what the most important things that happened to
the main characters were. For Tristran, it was not just finding the falling
star but also discovering his true love, Yvaine, and being crowned the new king
of Stormhold (thanks to his long-lost mother!). For Joe, it was realizing how
much his daughter meant more to him than the sport that made him rich and
famous.

The most important
thing that ever happened to me was to be born. Had I not been born, then
everything else that has to do with me (including this blog!) would fail to
exist or would not be complete. Seeing each day unfold before me is not just
magical but also a constant and concrete reminder of this great and priceless
thing in the world, life. But I
know I cannot be contented in simply existing. I have to live. Live through
both the bright summer-like days and the dark as storm nights, accepting and
persevering amidst the challenges of the daily grind. As saying goes, it does
not matter where you are living rather, who you are with. I would like to add,
“and what you are doing with your life”. We may not have chosen to be born, but
since we are already here, we better make the most out of it! Catholicism says
that it is God who chooses who our parents would be. While in Anthroposophy, we
choose who our parents are going to be. But bottomline is, a being much higher
(and more powerful) than us has made all things possible. This higher being has
thought of us and made sure that we would be part of the puzzle that completes
everything else that exists in this wonderful place called Earth.

The
traditional Bahaginan in Manila Waldorf School marked the
end not only of the first semester but also of the Michaelmas season. It was
supposed to be the usual sharing of talents or of activities during the daily
morning circle of each class. But for my class three children it was facing the
dragon - head on, just as Saints Michael and George have done.

Nope, it wasn’t the same fiery
dragon that the children have tamed during the obstacle course I mentioned in
my blog entitled Michael and George. This one was the most unseen for it was
within them (or us, including me) – the fear of standing and performing in
front of an audience! I usually don’t feel very self-conscious or nervous
during presentations, but for the first time, during this Bahaginan, I was. As
I guided the children to their places on the performance area, butterflies
seemed to have suddenly burst from nowhere and entered my stomach. I guess it
is because it is our first time to perform standing in front of everybody and
not just from our seats like in Class 2. I was just too glad to have presence
of mind to keep my composure and didn’t collapse or anything.

Being the sort of “perfectionist”
that I am, I was bothered by the fact that the circle that the children have
formed was not round enough. But considering the rectangular-shaped tent that
provided protection from the heat of the very cheery sun, I decided to proceed
and accept the oval formation instead. At my signal, the children brought out
their recorders from their personally knitted cases (some were still using the
old cases with sling that was provided by Mrs. Miñana because they have yet to
finish their knitting project) and placed them in second position (just over
the lips, no blowing yet!). At the count of four we all began to play the
famous children’s song Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. As we were playing
the melody, various thoughts came to my mind as to how our audience would
appreciate it for I had a feeling that some would think it was either too
babyish or even “un-Waldorfic”. Probably this caused my fingers to quiver and
miss playing some notes (boy, was I thankful that my children knew the piece by
heart and didn’t have to depend on finger-imitation to play it!). But when we reached the second part wherein
we split into melody and harmony, it was a moment filled with great pride.
Seeing the impressed look on the faces of our audience (as I tried to briefly
glimpse at them over the heads of my children), it was enough to make me feel ecstatic.
Thus, moving on to the next recorder piece, Le Coq Est Mort, was a less
tension-filled moment for me. As our recorder playing ended, my heart took a
roller-coaster ride again for we were soon to showcase our all-time favorite
Jewish song and movement exercise Hyda. But knowing that my children
loved doing this, I too just tried to enjoy it with them. Before I knew it, our
presentation came to an end and the audience generously applauded my children
for a wonderful performance. Parents seated behind us who heard me praising my
children for doing very well likewise commended me. But more than the
commendation I received, I was more delighted to see the sparkling eyes and
beaming smiles of my children. Oh how they glowed from within!

Stars do not shine during the
day. But on the 26^th day of October of the current year, it did.
Yes, my children twinkled and twinkled like little stars indeed! I, on the
other hand, was contented to be the moon hiding behind the misty clouds as I
let my little stars take the “center stage” with great courage and confident of
the talents that the Great Almighty bestowed on them.

September 29 is the feast of St. Michael the  Archangel. The same date this year, the heavy rains
didn’t dampen the spirits of the Manila Waldorf Community from celebrating the
feast we refer to as Michaelmas. It was a celebration filled with reverence for
the blessed angel, drama and lots of yummy treats – fresh fruits and bread (of
different shapes and sizes!) baked by the children. One of my boys in Class 3,
my natural-comedian Joxain, portrayed the dragon-tamer. I was the proudest “mother”
that day as Joxain delivered his one-liner dialogue with great skill and superb
acting!

Yesterday, October 19, the much awaited Michaelmas Obstacle
Course finally happened. Classes 1 to 4 participated in this challenging event
while the children of Class 5 to 8 went to Timebrland Heights for their kite-making and kite-flying activity. 

Prior to the obstacle course I re-told the story of St.
George and the dragon to my class. From the look in their eyes, some recalled
the story immediately. But even if they heard the story during the previous
school year (Class 2 curriculum was on Fables and Saints), the children still
listened attentively. The best part was the awe on their faces after the story
was told - this is very unique among Waldorf children.

During the obstacle course I manned two stations. One was
the “boiling lava” station where the children had to swing from a rope to be
able to step on three tree stumps and avoid falling in. The other was the swing
tire which a child had to rock and jump off to reach St. Michael’s station.
Easy as it may seem, some children from the lower school still found the
challenges in my station difficult even if they play in this area almost
everyday. I believe that swinging from tree stump to tree stump using a rope
has something to do with trusting. Believing that holding onto the rope will
help one accomplish the task as well as surrendering to the one who has created
all things and will make all things possible. Moreover, one’s self-confidence
was tested too as each one had to use all power and skill to avoid falling into
the boiling lava. Jumping off the swinging tire was likewise a challenge to
one’s faith. The “journey” though not really frightful, was equally a test of
faith. It wasn’t that easy for the children to just jump off for some they
didn’t know when the right time was to get off.

The rope for swinging concretized God’s hand and how He
would lovingly give it to us so we could face any challenge in our lives. While
jumping off the swinging tire is an act of faith to the One who assured us of
salvation in every trying situation.

St. George and Archangel Michael faced evil (in the form of
a dragon) gallantly. Brave enough not because they knew their capacities or
because they had such a mighty sword in hand but because their faith was in a great
God. Balancing the good and the evil in us is just like taming (if not,
slaying) the dragon within. But the only “sword” we need is our faith - our
trust in the one and only true source of goodness, God Almighty.

It
was a week after an old friend passed away when I learned that she is gone. My
best friend Ena first texted me a week ago (as of writing this blog) that Liezel Tiamzon had a heart
attack and was confined in the hospital. I prayed whole-heartedly for Liezel
for I knew that whatever happened to her could be one of the complications of
her diabetes. I entrusted her to God not knowing that she would be leaving us
eventually. But maybe, just maybe, I had a notion that it was going to be the
last time I will be praying for her healing because I did not only lift her up
to the Lord but I included her family as well. Having taken care of my parents
when they were hospitalized (in different occasions, that is) has made me
sensitive enough to pray not only for the one who is sick but also for those
caring for the sick.

I
have known Liezel since grade school and she has been a diabetic since then. We
were seatmates in grade seven and that’s how our friendship started. We didn’t
really become very close but I valued her as one of my good friends in St. Paul
College, Pasig. It was during our high school years when I came to discover
that she was a talented musician, a very good composer, and a true artist. I
remember how I envied her gift for sketching all those funny cartoons and how I
was awed by her picturesque art works for I was not really a visual artist way
back then (it was only when I moved to Waldorf that I discovered the artist in
me!). In the short time I have spent with her in school, I knew that she had
the zest for life. And this was revealed through her passion for music.

I
think Sineskwela and other children’s show would not have been complete without
the songs she has created for them. Neither would some of the politicians from
their place in Angono, be remembered had it not been for the campaign jingles
she has composed (and one she even sung – she claims to sound like this once
popular actress now turned politician in QC) for them in exchange for a good PF
(according to her mababawi rin naman daw nila un! =P) or even a Pyrex of
spaghetti. Despite the difficulties she experienced because of the
complications of her diabetes, she continued to create beautiful music. Her
deteriorating vision was not an excuse to hinder her from proving that she is a
truly gifted musician.

The
last time I got to communicate with Liezel was six months ago before I left for  Iloilo (Easter
time, April) – thanks to Friendster. That was something I wanted to continue
not knowing that it would be the last. Crying over the death of a friend is
something I have never done before as none of my friends have died. (Well, some
of them have but it’s a different kind of death – if you know what I mean. And
I didn’t really cry over them if I may be blunt about it.) I was really
saddened by this loss that I couldn’t help shed tears. I hope someday I would
be able to visit her grave (or wherever she was laid to rest) and bid her
farewell more properly.

Life
indeed is so short. With this realization (not a new one if I may point out), I
hope that I get to live my life the way my Lord has planned it for me. I hope I
could love with all my heart and be able to teach others to love as well. I
hope I could touch lives and help make this world a true haven of all that is
true and good. I hope I get to sing of the great beauty and splendor that the
Almighty has painted for us all just as my departed friend has done.

To
my friend, Ms. Mouse or Lysol (as she is fondly called), I bid you goodbye for
now. Together with the angels in heaven, may you continue to make and play
beautiful music for our Lord. You will be dearly missed on earth!

One
Thursday afternoon, on her way home from PRC (Professional Regulation
Commission), my dear friend Leah, came face to face with another of life’s
surprises. As she was waiting for the jeepney she was in to at least budge from
the traffic, her earrings were snatched from behind her. One of the earrings
was successfully taken away while the other dropped and rolled inside the
vehicle. With shaking knees and a pounding heart, Leah picked up the now
lonesome earring and stifled a cry (of both pain and anger, I presume) that
wanted to erupt from within her. There were four other passengers in the
jeepney but they were not comforting enough to make my friend feel that
everything will be fine. “Why did it happen to me?” is a question that Leah has
shared with me through a text message. A life-question that I replied with: “If
not you, then who?” Sometimes it is really easier to wish and ask that
something unpleasant would not happen to us. But we fail to remember that by
doing so is like passing on to others (those who we think deserve it more) the
evils that we don’t want to experience.

In
times when life’s adversaries come too strongly, we easily shift into a
retrospection of the other unpleasant events that we have experienced. We begin
to question the reasons for these and try to validate them against how
rightfully or faultily we have lived our lives. An injustice to their goodness
is how others, who believe that they have been living righteously, perceive
such harrowing events. While for those who care less about being and doing good
or bad, it is more likely a “karma” – an acceptable reality that they may
relate to “love begets love and hate begets hate” rather than what Buddhism
really meant it to be. Far from being surreal, isn’t it?

Searching
for answers to elucidate why another traumatic experience happened to Leah (the
last one if I remember right, was when our rented apartment burned down and she
was left alone in the house), could be likened to looking for a pin in a
haystack. But inspirations from the sharing of Anthroposophist friends and
mentors led me to go through the haystack and write about it. I told my friend
that maybe there was something in her past that she was weak at that needs to
be strengthened or refined now. Also, it is possible that the experience is
meant to teach her something that she will need in the future. I believe that
the forces in the world will not conspire events to happen for no reason at
all. We ourselves could even have “called” for these. As Australian Rhonda
Byrne, creator of the movie The Secret reveals: the law of attraction
is the most powerful law in the universe. She expounds by saying that we
attract into our lives the things we want which are based on what we’re
thinking and feeling. Thus, we create our own circumstances by the choices we
make in life. Byrne adds that it is our thoughts that fuel these choices that
we make. This then makes our thoughts as the most powerful things we have here
on earth.

In
our unguarded moments, our usual being wanders off and we become more (or even
less) than who we think we are. But we do not just transform. We consciously
and unconsciously call this upon ourselves. To be good, to do good or otherwise
is a thinking activity that we should will to happen. Of black and white, we
have to decide which side to take. We cannot choose to be in the middle even if
gray does exist for it would be void of the true meaning of life. Mediocre
living is only for zombies, if I may say so. For when we experience (or let
others experience) goodness, it inspires us and brings us closer to the
spiritual world. But when the blackness overshadows the sun in our lives, it
makes us turn farther away from that which we are meant to believe in and hold
on to. We begin to question why we have sorrow, strife, harshness and
bitterness. Wouldn’t it be wiser to stop asking the world why unpleasant events
happen to us and instead turn to ourselves and say “why not?” Let us use our
thoughts – the most powerful things on earth, in choosing to be and to do what
is good not just for ourselves but for others as well.

In
whatever pleasant or unpleasant circumstance that I would be in, I pray that I
will remember to ask “why not me?” rather than “why me?”

“I won’t dare question God
why I suffer pain and anguish…

coz’ I never try to question
Him when I feel happiness and fortune.”

“Carpe diem!” or “seize the day!” is a phrase that was
made famous by the film Dead Poets Society. And likewise a phrase I often say
to myself and to friends who need some inspiring thoughts for the day.

But how does one seize the day? Common responses would be:
enjoy the day as it unfolds, be present in all the events that will happen
during the day, and count your blessings each day. These may seem ordinary but
could be deeply rooted on what one has experienced in life.

I used to have difficulty understanding this carpe diem
thing. Problems, “negative energies” and other unnecessary sources of stress
hindered me from grasping its true meaning. But a song I have learned way back
in high school gave me a clearer picture of how it is to seize the day.

“I’m climbing
my mountain, step by step,

I’m climbing my mountain, day by day.

I’m climbing my mountain all the way,

I’m climbing my mountain, I’m gonna make it!

One step at a time, one step at a time,

One step at a time, with Jesus by my side…”

Live step by step – this is one way to seize the
day. Not by leaps or jumps but one step at a time. That is why it takes time
for the sun to rise and set. The sun won’t simply ascend upon the sky nor
descend on the horizon to transform day to night. It takes its time. Isn’t it
lovely and inspiring to watch as the sun extends its warm invisible arms to
wrap the world in the morning and throw blissful kisses on everything as it
says goodbye in the late afternoon? Experiencing these delightful moments of sunrise
and sunset will move anyone to wish to remain in such splendor and pure
enchantment. But then reality will sink in and one must move on as the setting
of the sun signals the birth of another day. Moving on requires one to take a
brave step into paths that could be uncharted or even untaken. But doing it so,
one step at a time is an assurance that there is nothing to fear even though
the path one has preferred is not what others would usually choose.

Live day by day – being in the present, being alive
at each second of the day, and being a part of every event that unfolds. For
some people, the day simply passes by without them noticing it. I am not
unfamiliar to this for it has happened to me before when I worked in a clinic
located in a mall. Whenever I reported for work in the morning, the moment I
entered the doors of the mall would be the last time I get to see daylight. The
next thing I know it’s already evening, time to go home. What exactly happened
in between? I won’t be able to give exact details but in one word it would be work.
The same happened when I was connected with an exclusive academic institution
for girls. There were days when I couldn’t even recall what I ate for snacks or
lunch that day because I would work while I eat instead of enjoying the break
by leisurely re-energizing my body. I dare not claim that it has ceased to
happen now but I could say that it has lessened. As one of my best friends has
advised me: “Stop worrying about things you can’t do anything about at this
very moment.” He’s right, because even if I would keep on thinking about such,
nothing would happen anyway. But on the other hand, something happens – it
keeps me away from living at the present and it makes me busy wondering about
the next day or the days to come when all I have to worry about is what is
right on my lap. Thus I say, to live day by day is to find meaning in what the
day has blessed you with. And the only way to find meaning in the blessings of
the day is to be aware of them, to live in them.

Live with Jesus by your side – it is the best way
to seize the day! He who has made it possible for me to witness the unfolding
of another earthly day and he who has decided that I get to spend another day
with my loved ones. My Christ, my Savior, my Lord, my Beloved Bestfriend
deserves to be by my side. Great adventures like trekking on mountains,
rappelling on bridges, and spelunking in caves, all these were made possible
only by Him. And no matter how tired I was and desperate to reach the goals set
for each journey, I never faltered for I knew I could depend on Him to get me
through it all. In the numerous events that have come and will challenge my
very being, He was there and He will forever be.

Carpe diem with Jesus by your side!

Fearless. Brave. Heroic.

Three words that are synonymous and are rooted to a common value that we all know as courage. Why write about this? I would be a hypocritical coward if I say that a movie (which is of the same title as this blog) has not affected me. A late night-out with friends found me chatting away about my current stressful (but blessings-filled!) weeks and “analyses on life and love” as well as catching a final screening of the said Jodie Foster film (thanks to Marie for suggesting it). Amidst the fun and laughter inside Kaye’s car (what’s the title of the movie Ate Lounie? Hehehe :-P), we left Eastwood in the early morning of Sunday with questions running over and over in my mind. So who is the “the brave one”? When does one achieve braveness and fearlessness? What is the true essence of courage for a hero?

Fearless. To fear no one, to have no fear at all, to be free of any form of anxiety or fright – these would somehow sum up this little bold compound word. I recall that the Jet Li film “Fearless”, didn’t really dwell on showing who among the characters was the greatest fighter or the one who had the least drop of fear in his blood. Nor did it give glory to the one who beat up the most opponents. Why Fearless? It is because this cinematic sensation centered on a person who became so great and powerful that he literally feared no one. But when he saw himself at life’s crossroads – when he was at the abyss of his life, that’s when he realized that the enemy he had to contend with was no one but himself. How could such a great one compete with oneself? I know that facing the real or higher “I” could be the toughest task one has to do. From lessons and practices on meditation, I have experienced the difficulty of true attunement with the self. One could force to be with the true or higher “I” but would eventually come to a consciousness that it is futile to do it if one cannot even grasp the essence of communing and being honest to oneself. Being with the true or higher “I” takes more than a concentrated effort to become completely free of the usual self. One must think deeply and be with the spiritual realm that works with us and within us. One should become truly humble and free the self from all egotistical thoughts. And most of all, take a paradigm shift into that which is beyond the ordinary: a leap over that which makes us mere mortal creatures. Fearlessness lives in the mind – a work of the thoughts. As others may say that “fear is only in the mind,” it should also be remembered that fearlessness resides there too, for both can thrive equally in every human intellect.

Brave. If fearlessness is in the mind, bravery, if I may say so, is in the heart. It is when you feel this mass of involuntary muscles pounding hard against your chest and every rhythmical beat makes you more steadfast in achieving a goal. I would like to believe that to be brave is not to be free of fear, rather, to be filled with it and allow it to be consumed by the rage of one’s unyielding desire. It must be felt at the very core of the human body – in the heart.  Thus, a brave heart is one that could truly feel and be sympathetic, one that could empathize with genuine sincerity. As the Little Prince has said and I quote: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” The heart comprehends and accepts that which the eye or the mind may think otherwise. I guess that is why people who fall in love are very brave, they would neither object nor regret whatever sacrifices or pain they would be experiencing all in the name of love (am I right, Liza my labs? Hmmm…?).

Heroic. “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.” A hero is never the one who goes away when the tough gets going. He is the one who keeps on going despite the thrashes and flogging that the challenges of life bequeaths. He is the one who chooses the narrow and winding path that could sometimes seem to be leading towards a shadowy or even a vanishing end. More than being fearless or brave, a hero is born not only through what he thinks or feels but also through his deeds. Heroic acts entail the work of the will – the will to effect change for the betterment of humankind or simply to do something good. The mind may think about doing something, the heart may feel the need to do something, but it takes the limbs to transform the thought and the feeling into an action. 

In life, the brave one takes a conscious effort to connect with the true self through the guidance of the spiritual world in order to sincerely feel for what is right and utilizes his limbs to transform it into an appropriate deed. The true essence of courage is to have the head, the heart and the hands work together in harmony with the greater scheme of the divine.

You are…

an invisible pain

gnawing and raw.

sickening and undeniably

longing for attention.

an interrupted harmony

in my life’s unending song.

I saw the Re-cut version of the Passion of the Christ last night. I cried. Through my tears I recollected the times when I had my own scourging and crucifixion. I did not cry because of the pains and sufferings in my life. I cried because I again realized that my Christ endured more that I did. The pains he felt all the way to Calvary and the sorrow his Mother Mary had to bear are magnanimous if I were to compare them with what I thought was a mountain of burden on my shoulders. We carry a cross, that’s for sure – but each cross we bear cannot measure to that which Christ carried for us. And lest we forget that each time we carry our cross we do not carry it alone. Just as Simon helped Jesus (carry a cross that He did not deserve), Jesus carries our crosses with us every step of the way. And in addition, a Mother Mary who loves us bears the pain with us too.

LENT is not just meant for feeling sorry for our sins and renewing our lives. It is also for celebrating the love that the Father has bestowed on us through His beloved Son, Jesus Christ.